by Dr. Richard Blackaby
I read often, but I still have a large, daunting backlog of volumes on my “to read” list. This autobiography was on that list until recently. I have mixed feelings about autobiographies. On the one hand, they offer an intimate, first-person account of someone’s life. But perspective and bias are always a concern. People tend to view themselves in the best possible light, even when the evidence suggests otherwise. For that reason, autobiographies tend to be a mixed bag. What makes them worthwhile is the author’s attempted candor and storytelling skill. In this regard, Lewis is masterful. The book focuses on Lewis’ early life. It reminds me, in some ways, of Winston Churchill’s similar volume, which is not surprisingly entitled My Early Life. Both authors are larger than life figures who are skilled with the English language, and both books are worth reading
Not surprisingly, events in Lewis’ childhood deeply shaped his character. He was born in Belfast, Ireland, in 1989, which gave him an Irish heritage, despite being English (1). His parents both greatly influenced him, though in different ways. He notes, “From my earliest years I was aware of the vivid contrast between my mother’s cheerful and tranquil affection and the ups and downs of my father’s emotional life, and this bred in me long before I was old enough to give it a name a certain distrust or dislike of emotion as something uncomfortable and embarrassing and even dangerous” (2). Lewis’ mother died while he was young, and he suffered a tenuous relationship with his father afterward. His father meant well. He attempted to befriend his sons. But he was far too opinionated and domineering ever to enjoy true friendship with his children. Lewis writes, “My father, whom I implicitly believed, represented adult life as one of incessant drudgery under continual threat of financial ruin” (21). Lewis continues, “His mind bubbled over with humor, sentiment, and indignation that, long before he had understood or even listened to your words, some accidental hint had set his imagination to work, he had produced his own version of the facts, and believed that he was getting it from you” (116). Instead, Lewis enjoyed companionship with his older brother, his only sibling.
Lewis notes that his boyhood home exerted a profound influence on him: “I am a product of long corridors, empty sunlit rooms, upstairs indoor silences, attics explored in solitude, distant noises of gurgling cisterns and pipes, and the noise of wind under the tiles. Also of endless books. My father bought all the books he read and never got rid of any of them” (8). I was struck that being surrounded by books had such an impact on the Lewis children. I surrounded my children with books, and they are all voracious readers today.
The theme of Lewis’ book is his pursuit of joy. He notes, “Joy is never in our power and pleasure often is” (16). Lewis went to a brutal boarding school led by a schoolmaster he later concluded was insane (27). But he observed, “Hardly any amount of oppression from above takes the heart out of a boy like oppression from his fellows” (29). He lost his Christian faith while at his next boarding school. He states, “And so, little by little, with fluctuations which I cannot now trace, I became an apostate, dropping my faith with no sense of loss but with the greatest relief” (62-63). He says, “. . . I had very definitely formed the opinion that the universe was, in the main, a rather regrettable institution” (60). As Lewis developed his own worldview, he claims, “I began to labor very hard to make myself into a fop, a cad, and a snob” (65). He found his pleasure in books. He became fascinated with Norse gods and literature. He later mused, “Sometimes I can almost think that I was sent back to the false gods there to acquire some capacity for worship against that day when the true God should recall me to Himself” (73). Of his life at that time, he writes, “I have been a converted Pagan living among apostate Puritans” (66).
Lewis certainly experienced difficult moments while attending boarding school. He faced bullying and enormous pressure to conform. He also encountered homosexuality, though he claims neither homosexuality nor gambling ever attracted him. He writes, “I will not indulge in Philippics against enemies I never met in battle” (97). As an obviously brilliant young man, he struggled in an artificial world. He notes, “I think this feigning, this ceaseless pretense of interest in matters to me supremely boring, was what wore me out more than anything else” (92).
Lewis wrote a great deal about the educational system in which he was reared. He notes, “Where oppression does not completely and permanently break the spirit, has it not a natural tendency to produce retaliatory pride and contempt? We reimburse ourselves for cuffs and toil by a double dose of self-esteem. No one is more likely to be arrogant than a lately freed slave” (103). He adds, “. . . the greatest service we can do to education today is to teach fewer subjects. No one has time to do more than a very few things well before he is twenty, and when we force a boy to be a mediocrity in a dozen subjects we destroy his standards, perhaps for life” (108).
Lewis writes that he was unknowingly a hypocritical atheist: “I was at this time living, like so many atheists or antitheists, in a whirl of contradictions. I maintained that God did not exist. I was also very angry with God for not existing. I was equally angry with Him for creating the world” (111). Interestingly, he states, “Never at any age did I clamor to be amused; always and at all ages (where I dared) I hotly demanded not to be interrupted” (115).
Lewis eventually studied under a good tutor named Kirk. He learned best in solitude and small settings. Kirk’s chastisement was, “You can have enlightenment for ninepence but you prefer ignorance” (133). Lewis developed numerous convictions during this period and learned several languages. He mused, “Walking and talking are two very great pleasures, but it is a mistake to combine them” (136). He also concluded that encouraging youth to read newspapers is a mistake. He suggests that doing so develops an “incurable taste for vulgarity and sensationalism” (153).
Lewis continued to pursue joy. He notes, “I sometimes wonder whether all pleasures are not substitutes for Joy” (164). He continues, “The horror of the Christian universe was that it had no door marked ‘exit’” (165). For the Christian, even death was not the end, but rather the beginning of a new mode of existence. Interestingly, Lewis observes, “The universe rings true where you fairly test it” (171).
Lewis was eventually enlisted into the army during World War I. His tutor had told his father he would either be a scholar and a writer (177). But Lewis did better in the army than he thought he would. He notes, “Straight tribulation is easier to bear than tribulation which advertises itself as pleasure” (182). Eventually, Lewis was wounded and spent several pleasant weeks recovering in a hospital, enjoying plenty of leisure time to read. After the war, Lewis returned to Oxford and became enmeshed in the Hegelian view of the Absolute. He confesses, “We could talk religiously about the Absolute: but there was no danger of its doing anything about us” (203). He adds, “There was nothing to fear; better still, nothing to obey” (204).
Lewis eventually read George MacDonald’s works. He claims MacDonald influenced his writing more significantly than any other author did (206). Lewis quips, “A young man who wishes to remain a sound atheist cannot be too careful of his reading. There are traps everywhere” (185). Lewis began to realize that the writers who influenced him most were Christians. He found secular writers such as Voltaire, Gibbon, and Shaw to be shallow (207). At this time, he began his steady return to God. He describes the experience as a chess game with God. He notes, “Soon I could no longer cherish even the illusion that the initiative lay with me. My Adversary began to make His final moves” (209). At first, Lewis did not view God as a personal being (215). His religion was theism. He confesses, “I had hoped that the heart of reality might be such a kind that we can best symbolize it as a place; instead, I found it to be a Person” (223).
Lewis writes, “Idealism can be talked, and even felt; it cannot be lived” (219). He then includes an interesting passage about Shakespeare writing himself into Hamlet so the two could meet (219). Eventually, he realizes that “God was to be obeyed simply because He was God” (223). He notes, “If theism had done nothing else for me, I should still be thankful that it cured me of the time-wasting and foolish practice of keeping a diary” (225). He also confesses, “Hymns were (and are) extremely disagreeable to me” (226).
In the book, Lewis describes the conclusion to his long journey to God. He says, “It was more like when a man, after a long sleep, still lying motionless, becomes aware that he is now awake” (229). Reflecting, he writes of joy, “. . . the subject has lost nearly all of its interest for me since I became a Christian” (230). He had searched for it for the first part of his life, but when he found Christ, he no longer felt the need to pursue joy any further.
Lewis concludes by making an interesting observation: “When we are lost in the woods the sight of a signpost is a great matter” (230). He goes on to say that after we are back on the road and seeing signposts regularly along the way, they lose some of their gloss. Nonetheless, he confesses in the final line of his book, “Not of course, that I don’t often catch myself stopping to stare at roadside objects of even less importance” (230).
I liked this book. I suspected I would. I always enjoy placing myself next to great thinkers and communicators. Lewis is candid and reflective enough that I felt as though I was observing portions of his personal journey. He makes numerous literary and philosophical references that piqued my interest. At times, his vast literary training stretches beyond where I can travel with him. His own philosophical journey also loses me at times, partly because it is complex and partly because it is personal to him.
Nevertheless, I felt gratified to observe the spiritual journey of a brilliant man and to see him reach the logical and satisfying conclusion that the Christian faith is the only answer to the soul’s deepest longings. I recommend this book. I have already ordered half a dozen other books I feel obliged to read after learning at C.S. Lewis’ feet.
Rating: 4
