David Brooks, How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen (affiliate link). New York: Random House, 2023. 306 pages.
David Brooks is a New York times best-selling author. Several people told me I should read one of his books. The book club I belong to with my adult children selected this one.
Brooks begins by confessing that he did not grow up being particularly skilled at relating to others. He claims, “By high school, I had taken up long-term residency inside my own head” (4). But after he got married and had children, he realized he needed to change. He confesses that “Life has a way of tenderizing you” (5). He notes, “When I was young, I wanted to be knowledgeable, but as I got older, I wanted to be wise. Wise people don’t just possess information; they possess a compassionate understanding of other people” (7).
Brooks came to believe that people skills are crucial to leading a satisfying life, yet today’s western society does not equip people with these skills. His book encourages people to consider these important issues.
He states, “I’ve come to believe that the quality of our lives and the health of our society depends, to a large degree, on how well we treat each other in the minute interactions of daily life” (9). Yet he warns that “Our social skills are currently inadequate to the pluralistic societies we are living in” (12). He goes on to argue that many of the social ills from which we currently suffer are the result of people who were unable to establish healthy social relationships.
Brooks suggests that there are both Diminishers and Illuminators in society (12). This book helps people learn how to be an Illuminator. He quotes the biographer of E.M. Forster, who claimed, “To speak to him was to be seduced by an inverse charisma, a sense of being listened to with such intensity that you had to be your most honest, sharpest, and best self” (13). Brooks notes that Illuminators bring the best out in others.
Interestingly, Brooks argues that the data shows that the longer people are married, the less accurately they read each other (14). Couples tend to view their spouse through the lens of early experiences and memories without making allowances for the fact that they have grown and changed over time.
Brooks cautions that “. . . most of us have all sorts of inborn proclivities that prevent us from perceiving others accurately” (19). He lists a number of common issues that inhibit people from truly seeing others: anxiety, egotism, naïve realism, the lesser-mind problem, objectivism, essentialism, and static mindset” (19).
Brooks suggests that “A person who is looking for beauty is likely to find wonders, while a person looking for threats will find danger” (30). Our viewpoint largely determines how we experience the world. Brooks, I believe, has been on a journey toward Christianity. He states, “. . . this awareness of the infinite dignity of each person you meet, is a precondition for seeing people well. You may find the whole idea of God ridiculous, but I ask you to believe in the concept of the soul” (31). For Brooks, viewing each individual as possessing an eternal, beautiful, God-made soul radically transforms the way we treat people.
Brooks points out that “Ninety percent of life is just going about your business” (45). He adds, “Sometimes you can learn more about a person by watching how they talk to a waiter than by asking them a profound question about their philosophy of life” (45). He also quotes Aldous Huxley, who claimed that “Experience is not what happens to you, it’s what you do with what happens to you” (61).
Brooks taps into neuroscience, pointing out that our identities are formed largely as our brains make sense of our memories. He suggests that “Your senses give you a poor-quality, low-resolution snapshot of the world, and your brain is then forced to take that and construct a high-definition, feature-length movie” (65). Notably, our memories can change over time. Our brains format our experiences to fit the life narrative we construct. This reality offers us hope if we need to refine and adjust our perspective as we gain fresh insights.
Brooks makes some shrewd observations about great conversations. He claims that “A good conversation is an act of joint exploration . . . a good conversation sparks you to have thoughts you never had before” (73). He notes that the average person speaks between 120-150 words per minute (74). The human brain works much faster, so people listening to others speak at that rate have time to spare. People are often tempted to multitask with their brain rather than listening intently to what the other person is saying. He suggests that “When you are speaking, you are like a guest at a dinner party. You are bringing gifts” (76).
Brooks points out that the acts of speaking and listening involve many of the same brain functions (77). As a result, “Once you are in response mode, your ability to listen deteriorates” (77). Part of the beauty of conversation is that we get to put our thoughts into words. He notes that “Sometimes we can’t understand personal truths until we hear ourselves say them” (80).
Brooks offers some interesting observations about understanding people. He quotes David Bradley, who claimed that “The one thing you can be certain about every person is that nobody escapes high school. Whatever your high school fears were, they are still there” (84). I hope, for my sake, that his statement isn’t entirely true! But this concept could open a fascinating path of discussion. Brooks suggests that by asking questions, “you are adopting a posture of humility” (87). He cautions that “The worst kind of questions are the ones that don’t involve a surrender of power, that evaluate” (88). Many questions sound accusatory. He notes that “Humble questions are open-ended” (88).
Brooks provides some examples of questions that can invite interesting conversations:
“What crossroads are you at?”
“What would you do if you weren’t afraid?”
“If you died tonight, what would you regret not doing?”
“If the next five years is a chapter in your life, what is that chapter about?”
“Can you be yourself where you are and still fit in?” (90)
Brooks notes, “Each person is a mystery. And when you are surrounded by mysteries, as the saying goes, it’s best to live life in the form of a question” (93).
Brooks makes a strong case for why people need to learn to get to know each other better. He points out that between 1999-2019, the suicide rate in the United States rose by 33% (98). In one survey, 54% of Americans claimed that no one knew them well (98). Brooks points out that lonely people who feel unseen can become suspicious (99). He also suggests that “Loneliness leads to meanness. As the saying goes, pain that is not transformed gets transmitted” (100). Brooks cites statistics that suggest lonely people are seven times more likely to become involved in politics (101). One wonders if much of the angry political rhetoric today stems from lonely people who feel that no one sees them or cares about them.
Brooks suggests that “Love rejected comes back as hatred” (103). He adds, “The essence of evil is the tendency to obliterate the humanity of another” (103). In looking at mass shooters, he quotes someone who concludes, “They are not loners; they are failed joiners” (102). Brooks laments that “Our problem is fundamentally moral. As a society, we have failed to teach the skills and cultivate the inclination to treat each other with kindness, generosity, and respect” (104). He adds, “In a sense, American culture became demoralized” (105).
Brooks points out that in every discussion, there is both the official conversation and the actual conversation (114). He explains how we perceive a situation not necessarily as it is but how it is for us (119). He also returns to the Grant Study, which concluded that the quality of your relationships determines the quality of your life (136).
Interestingly, Brooks points out that people who read tend to be more empathetic (155). Empathy, of course, is a key factor in relationships and understanding people. He quotes Thornton Wilder, who said that “The very angels themselves cannot persuade the wretched and blundering children on earth as can one human being broken on the wheels of living. In love’s service only the wounded soldiers can serve” (159). Perhaps because it is through suffering and challenging life experiences that people tend to grow wiser, Brooks points out that “In general, people get better as they age” (189).
Brooks includes an interesting chapter on life stories. He points out that people tend to craft their life story over a lifetime (222). In one survey, university students were instructed to identify the ten key scenes in their life. When asked to do the same exercise three years later, students included only 22% of the stories they had used the first time (222). As we age, we re-evaluate our life story and the importance of various moments.
Brooks cites Christopher Booker, who wrote The Seven Basic Plots. He notes that there are seven basic storylines most people adopt as their own (223). Brooks suggests that “Therapists are essentially story editors. People come to therapy because their stories are not working . . .” (225). Brooks notes that “I find that most of us construct more accurate and compelling stories as we age” (226).
Brooks makes one comment I might question. He states, “None of us can have an identity unless it is affirmed and acknowledged by others” (227). We are certainly social beings who live in community. I probably need to ponder this statement further.
Brooks notes that “We live our childhoods at least twice. First, we live through them with eyes of wonderment, and then later in life we have to revisit them to understand what it all meant” (231). He also suggests that we are largely the result of what has gone on before us within our culture. He suggests that “To see a person well, you have to see them as culture inheritors and as culture creators” (236). He suggests that people see the world in a way that made sense according to their ancestor’s circumstances” (237). He adds, “When I’m looking at you, and trying to know you, I’m going to want to ask how your ancestors show up in your life” (242).
Overall, I found this book interesting and helpful. Brooks deals with a crucial issue for today’s society. With the pervasive use of cell phones, social media, and remote work, our society is becoming increasingly isolated and unable to connect with people on a deeply personal level. There is no doubt that people long to be truly known by others, yet secular society seems to have lost its tools to help people do so.
Brooks is a great storyteller. He also draws on numerous studies. I generally find this style interesting. But this book felt somewhat disjointed at times. He includes some long stories that don’t seem clearly connected with points he made in the previous chapter. Though Brooks is obviously knowledgeable, parts of the book read like a journalist’s compilation of quotes from various sources.
That said, I appreciate Brooks’ candor. He regularly admits where he falls short in areas he is discussing. He also seems passionate about this subject, which is commendable for someone who has been churning out bestselling books for a while now.
I could identify with much of what he presents in this book. I meet people often, and it is surprising how readily total strangers will start sharing their life with you if you show interest and ask good questions.
This book can be a valuable resource. We would all do well to think through how we treat others and how well we actually know those we encounter often.
Rating: 3
